i'm so excited

Those who know me well would not be the least bit surprised to hear I often ride the roller coaster of anxiety. Even when all is right in my world, I tend to manufacture things to fret about. (Usually I decide the kitties look sick. Thank goodness I am not a parent as I've always figured I would raise a hypochondriac scarred by Munchausen Syndrome by proxy....) I can't seem to help myself, though I've tried to learn from this pearl of wisdom (which I attribute to Oprah, who was quoting, apparently, William Ralph Inge) - "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due."

Lately my anxiety level has been fairly low. I have been allowing myself to relax, enjoying the calm before the law school storm. I have been trying to stay out of trouble, thus at this very moment I am ditching yet another staff meeting with my volunteer group where I tend to get myself spun up over petty stuff. In fact, I've been in such a good place recently that I even tried facing some of my fears by walking across the Golden Gate bridge. (Sadly, anxiety won as repeated brushes with imaginary death forced me to turn around at the first tower. Still, I can say I have walked on the bridge, just not across it... and it will be there next time I am feeling brave...)

Over the past 24 hours, however, it seemed anxiety was mounting. But now, as I watch the sun settle slowly into the ocean, I celebrate that so many of my concerns have been resolved. Here are the top three reasons I am currently so excited:

1. The worry cycle all started shortly after midnight, when I went canvassing the neighborhood looking for my orange cat, OC. He'd missed lunch (not really his style since the jihad died with Blackers) and I hadn't thought much of it till he missed dinner too. My heart raced and my spirits fell as I called his name out into the quiet of the foggy night. Usually he finds me quickly. Something was wrong. Thirty minutes later I came home, defeated, hoping to find him inside. He wasn't. So I called over the back fence one last time and finally he answered back. He sounded a bit panicked. It didn't take long to realize he was trapped in the neighbor's shed. Knowing she is a cat lover, I figured she wouldn't mind that I went trespassing to free him. He could've taken the shortcut home (over the fence) but he followed me the long way (around the corner), thanking me for coming to his rescue.
   
2. Then this morning I woke to an emergency call from my best friend who was having a bit of a meltdown. She's been nursing a pretty serious plane phobia since before 9/11 (when she lost 4 colleagues in the towers) and though she'd told her employers before they hired her that she doesn't fly, she recently found herself scheduled to speak at a symposium in North Carolina. We'd made plans to weather the worry together (with Ativan and / or alcohol), she was no longer convinced she could board the plane. She hadn't slept for days. Today it was my job to convince her that it was okay to back out. In fact, it was better for the company. And so she summoned the courage to talk to her boss and now she is free. She's hard on herself. She's not particularly proud of her choice and she doesn't completely buy my logic that it is more than fine. But she is done with the worry. Like me and the bridge, she thought she was ready to face her fears. We both turned around. And it's okay.
   
3. Then this afternoon, while savoring a particularly enjoyable entry from my blogging buddy Merry ME (to whom I wish the happiest of birthdays), I finally received an email I've been anticipating for over a month. It was my TA confirming that he'd be happy to write me a letter of recommendation for law school. Bless his heart. I had pretty much sour graped myself to death, arguing that his letter would have been at best generic, and that generic letters are worse than no letters at all. I scolded myself for even thinking he'd remember me. I told myself I didn't deserve his time. I told myself that academic letters aren't expected of non-traditional applicants such as myself. But inside I worried. I knew that my stats are pretty darned great, but they aren't perfect. They are just enough to get me on the cusp of some really good schools. I knew that my boss would write me a decent letter (especially as we will likely collaborate), but my work history is far from stellar. I knew that the letter from my volunteer friend would also be strong, but really, what have I done lately but cause trouble and ditch meetings? I needed this letter, but I was too worried to admit I wanted it.
   

So hooray. I can hardly contain myself. My kitties aren't sick. My friend's not scared. And my TA does remember me. To quote a really dorky 80's song, "My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades."