shut my mouth

I leave for Illinois in a handful of hours, escorting my eldest niece to her softball tournament. It will be her first time on an airplane, so she's a bit nervous about that. I hate airports and airplanes, sure, but I've explained to her it's more about my misanthropic leanings than about the risk of sudden death. No, what I'm nervous about is the pending social interactions I'll be having with her softball crowd. I have been thoroughly debriefed on the topics I'm strictly forbidden from talking about on the trip. These include:

1. sex - with or without a partner, of course, and this includes any body parts used in the having of sex...
2. drugs - even prescription medications...
3. alcohol - although I am apparently expected to consume some with the coaches. While I imagined top shelf margaritas in some sort of small town hick bar, sounds like it's more likely to be beer consumed in a parking lot tailgate party style. Trouble is, those who know me realize "but Anti Jen doesn't drink beer" (I know, there is something I don't drink...) and then I wonder if they even sell hard cider (what I call "girl beer") in Illinois? People of the Internets, I fear I will soon be drinking wine coolers. The very thought of it makes my head hurt. Unless that's from the ciders I drank last night, of course...
4. religion - especially no drawing of parallels between the new pope and satan
5. politics - liberal or conservative
6. any member of our shared family - this includes any cute childhood stories, particularly those which involve nudity or nicknames.
7. any member of my niece's social circle - as if I keep track of who's who. My brain is too full of trivial things to actually associate the stories with the people. This, I know, is actually worse as I am constantly asking things such as, "Is this the one we like or don't like?" or "Is this the one who got grounded for drinking or the one who is cheating on her boyfriend?"
8. lice - particularly the fact that there are still lice controlling products being used in this household three months later. This, I recognize, is more likely a reflection of the level of OCD in the family rather than the actual risk of parasitic infection, but again, I already feel itchy...
9. ants - my suggested code word for lice
10. incest - as in I believe I may be sharing a bed with my niece and her imaginary "ants"... Now, as you may all recall from my family's Christmas letter, my brother Kevin and I firmly assert that relatives who are old enough to have pubic hair are too old to be sharing beds, even if their sister is graduating from vet school. This constitutes "incest." Besides, I remember from days past that Zoe is even a brute in her sleep - tossing, turning, kicking, flailing strong arms and sharp fingernails. Still, I believe the poor girl will be more scarred by sharing a bed with me as I know I snore and I'm told (by my traumatized brother) that I'm also quite gassy in my sleep...

I have not yet been strictly forbidden from discussing the following standbys, but I suspect they will be added to the list before our plane touches down:

1. bodily fluids
2. bodily functions
3. body odor
4. body hair
5. kryptonite (as in softball, as in last night I used the phrase "struck her out at third base" to attempt to translate a tale of seal politics I was telling into terms she would understand...)

On the other hand, I did win quite a verbal victory yesterday when I got my niece to admit she actually is a jock (she's been in denial). But I think she was just conceding to shut me up as I was apparently being quite "sassy" (which, Kevin tells me, because of our age difference would actually better be described as "crotchety").

Anyway, I should polish off my packing, I guess. Not sure I'll have access to the Internets in Illinois, so it may be a while, but what else is new?